Non-American Founder
by omelettethemusical
Summary: Have you heard of the non-American founder? (parody of All-American Prophet from Book of Mormon)


_Disclaimer: I don't own_ _Hamilton_ _or_ _Book of Mormon_ _(duh)._

* * *

 **Narrator:**

You all know the Founding Fathers

Made our country what it is today

You've been told they were all rich slaveowners

And not even a little gay

But what if I were to tell you there's a founder from far away

He came from a tiny island and now he's on the ten to stay

...

Have you heard of the non-American founder?

The Caribbean-born orphan A-dot-Ham?

He didn't come from the colonies

Like those other dead white men

No, Alexander Hamilton was not American.

(Well, I mean, he _was_ American, but he didn't start out that way.)

Let me take you back to colonial times: 1776, New York City. A man named Alex living on a modest stipend, going to college and getting involved in the American Revolution.

(You mean the founding father Alexander Hamilton?)

That's right, that young man met George Washington.

(He met George Washington?!)

And George said, "Alex, I want you to be my right-hand man

In this plan where I stand at the head of the command

Draw a line in the sand, make 'em understand

That nobody messes with American land!"

(Wow, George Washington picked a reckless, ambitious kid with no military experience and a huge martyr complex as his right-hand man? That makes perfect sense!)

Alexander followed Washington around

And did what he was told

And when he fought, everyone thought "That guy is really bold"

But one day he was on a break, went to a winter's ball

And met Eliza Schuyler, the fairest one of all

*angelic chorus*

 **Eliza:**

I am Eliza.

 **Chorus:**

The all-American girlfriend!

 **Eliza:**

My family's been here since long ago

Your letters are very sweet, and I really dig your eyes

And let's be real, I have a thing for shortish foreign guys.

 **Washington:**

But don't let anything take priority over the Revolution

Government is your destiny

Even if Eliza asks you to take a break from it, don't

Just write some flirty letters to your sister-in-law and best friend

Even though this might make historians question if you slept with them

This is sort of what Lin is going for.

 **Narrator:**

Alex and Eliza had eight kids, but you only need to know one

His name was Philip, like Eliza's dad, he was their oldest son

He got into a duel over his father's pride

He was only nineteen, he got an infection and died.

(Wow, so Alexander Hamilton was only the SECOND person in his family to die in a duel? I'M interested.)

Now, many people didn't like Alexander Hamilton. They thought he was power-hungry, and an immigrant, see, so he didn't understand how America worked.

 **Chorus:**

CREOLE BASTARD!

 **Narrator:**

But Alex said

 **Alex:**

I ain't no bastard, I'm just as good as you

And I'm gonna be secretary of the treasury!

So I'll make my plea to the strongest degree,

And I don't care what you all think of me! Let's collect out debt!

 **Chorus:**

COLLECT OUR DEBT?!

 **Alex:**

Exactly, to pay back our loans

That will lead America to a newfound unity

 **Narrator:**

Have you heard of the non-American founder?

He wrote 51 essays in six weeks

He wants a strong central government, calls himself Federalist

But that idea was not popular with the asses he had to kiss.

(Wow, does it cost less than a thousand dollars?)

Alexander kept on fighting for the bank he tried to found

But every time he almost got the votes, Jefferson shot him down

And even though no one wanted to hear the gory details of his affair with Maria Reynolds

Alexander showed 'em!

 **Jefferson:**

Don't act surprised, you guys, 'cause I wrote 'em…

 **Narrator:**

Go away, Jefferson. Anyway...

Now comes the part of our story that gets a little bit sad

Over his career in politics, Hamilton made people mad

Alex was shot by an angry Burr and knew he'd soon be done

 **Alex:**

You must keep my legacy, best of wives, best of women.

Oh God, why are You letting me die

Without being president of the United States?

They'll have no way of knowing I was always right

They'll have to believe it just - 'cause

Oh! I guess that's sort of what You were going for.

*death noises*

 **Narrator:**

Alexander Hamilton died for what he believed in. But his wife, she fought to preserve his legacy. And she stayed in New York City and helped raise children without families. And immigrants came into this country, generation after generation, until finally, they made Lin. And now it's his job to tell you what Eliza told those early Americans long ago!

 **Chorus:**

Have you heard of the all-American Shakespeare? (Lin-Manuel!)

The next in line to be Stephen Sondheim (Yay Hamlet!)

He did something incredible, made a show called Hamilton

'Cause Lin-Manuel Miranda is all-American!

(If you order now you'll maybe get tickets in, like, five years!)

All-American!


End file.
